Health Journey

10 signs you’re dealing with a narcissistic person - Detaching yourself from a narcissistic person is difficult, requires a lot of energy, standing your ground, keeping your boundaries and so much more, and it can still take ages and decades to be fully detached. Often being in the narcissist’s control is something that you didn’t see coming, never noticed happening and believe me, it’s something you couldn’t control either way. The narcissist wants what the narcissist wants.

I’m staring in front of me coping with the way I had just woke up. I know there’s my iPad on my lap and trees outside the window. I’m staring not seeing any of it, as if my world is on mute and I’m on the other side watching it from afar. It was a nightmare that got me here and I know this is going to be exactly like this for the rest of the day.

I recently have listened to a bunch of Ted talks as well, where survivors and advocates spoke up about how often rape victims get neglected, guilt tripped and victim blamed for ripping apart the “perfect” lives of their perpetrators after they told their story. After they told their TRUTH.

I need my mental health to get stable, then get off my meds and remain stable, then continue cognitive behavioral an trauma therapy. I also have to keep in mind that trying to conceive may also be a difficult road on its own, as no one can predict whether it will all go fine phsyically either.

My heart is pounding in my chest, I start to sweat. I know what’s happening but I still can’t help freaking out. In that moment I want to escape to somewhere no one will ever find me. I very well know what this means. This is the mental state I never wanted to find myself in again. It’s happening.. all over again.

As a rape survivor, I often feel alone in my pain, I feel neglected and let down. I mainly seek acknowledgement, love and safety. I don’t expect people to carry or take away my pain, because I know that that is impossible to ask for, and having gone through sexual abuse years on end, I wouldn’t wish this pain onto anyone.

I don’t think I ever told you about this massive fear I had just before the surgery. I had this firm belief that something would go wrong, that I wouldn’t survive this surgery.

Being self-employed, my plan was to get surgery and get straight back to work afterwards. I really didn’t…

I look down and I notice a bigger belly. I always imagined my body would look exactly like this when I got pregnant. I imagine it growing as the weeks go by.I feel bloated, there’s an unfamiliar pain in my stomach and I have no idea what is happening inside. I read about these similarities during pregnancy.

When I talk about my body being in pain, it’s a somewhat visible trauma. I’m in actual physical pain and people can see that. Many people aren’t considering the grief and sadness that comes with having surgery, or being diagnosed with something you weren’t expecting.

I was scared to bring bad news, because every time it happened before, people left me. I was good company for as long as I held my smiles up and I was of use to others, and even up until this day, I’m saying I’m fine to avoid someone else to feel uncomfortable.

Somehow I broke my baguette and I bought some pizza because I just knew I wouldn’t be cooking meals that evening and the radio was playing songs about dying. I was overthinking my entire existence, my meaning in life.

People always say “it’s normal” to experience extreme period pain. Only.. there is no scale to measure pain.

I thought I still had time. I always thought there was going to be plenty of time way past my 30’s to have kids. Never has it ever crossed my mind that there would be a time before I hit 30 where I’d hear that I wouldn’t be able to have a baby.